Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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