I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
