People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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