I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
