This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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