im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
