I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
