can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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