Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
