Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
