Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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