my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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