So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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