You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
