some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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