You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
