my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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