My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
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