dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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