So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
