I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
