nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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