he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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