While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
