Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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