what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
