Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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