I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
