I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
