my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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