Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
