Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's never too late to be topless.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
