So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
