He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
