Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Randomize
