Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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