Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
