Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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