this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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