This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
