Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
