Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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