I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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