no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
