Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
