dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
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what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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