i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
