Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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