Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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