dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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