well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
