Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just found puke in my bra..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
