is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
