there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
