I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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