That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
