I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
