It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
